aira, the turbulent infp

i learned a couple things this year

in no particular order, i'm listing them here just so i can look back to this post when it feels like i haven't grown at all

pipe dream

1. i learned to listen to myself, allowing myself to feel all sorts of emotions. i learned that i couldn't sweep my sadness under the rug forever

2. i learned to talk to other people about my mental and emotional state

3. i learned that when overdone, venting can make me seem selfish and insincere

4. i learned how selfish i can be at times, looking to people for support and understanding that they have their own issues to deal with but feeling bad that they can't be there 24/7 for me

5. i learned just how thin i could stretch myself

6. i learned how much i could take despite my sadness (i could take a lot) 

7. i learned that i love other people more than i love me; that even during the moments i was being selfish, i still put others first, as contradicting as that sounds

8. i learned that i am selfless generally, but can become selfish when with the people i love. probably because i assume they'll accept me still? or maybe because my insecurities start to leak out when i'm around them and so i tend to be ten times more anxious? not sure, still tryna figure that part out

9. i learned that love doesn't always have to be in something or someone tangible

10. i learned that i can be good friends with people i'll probably never even get to meet in person

11. i learned that i can be too much

12. i learned that i need to constantly remind myself that not everything is about me (i know this, but i keep forgetting to put that knowledge into practice)

13. i learned that just because someone understands me doesn't mean i should overwhelm them with my issues

14. i learned that just because i understand someone doesn't mean i'm the only one who can

15. i learned that once i've decided i've had enough, i'll start realizing how undeserving people have been of my kindness... and how awful that realization can make me feel (because sayang ang bond)

16. i learned that i have intense (and scary) attachment and abandonment issues

17. i learned that i probably won't be able to shed off my impostor syndrome anytime soon

18. i learned that i am terribly afraid

19. i learned that i need to take the step toward making myself happy; that i alone am responsible for my happiness

20. i learned that i'm not responsible for someone else's happiness

21. i learned that just because people say things doesn't mean they're going to mean it forever, even if they were being 10000% genuine when they said it (and i learned that that's okay)

22. i learned that i can't keep blaming others

23. i learned that i can't keep blaming myself

24. i learned that i have to work on myself first before i could fully be there for someone, or before i should even think about bringing people into my life

25. i learned how damaged i am, and that even if i can function, interact with people, and even look like i got zero worries—for as long as i've yet to start doing things for myself—it'll all swallow me whole when i'm alone with my thoughts

26. i learned about how much i enjoy kiyo's music

27. i learned that i have alarming escapist tendencies

28. i learned that i'm sorry i could no longer be kept in here

29. i learned that even though it took me long enough, i'm ready